Chickens Are Assholes

Chickens are assholes.

I decided that since I’ve never been laid off from work before and never been on unemployment benefits in my life — I didn’t know what to do with so much time off work. I sort of feel like a bum, and it’s embarrassing to be laid off. I know, I know. It’s because I’m getting my foot chopped off soon, and this was a stopgap measure from the gun shop so I can have money coming in to pay bills while I’m recovering. I have osteomyelitis and my hoof can’t be salvaged unfortunately.

So what do most bums do when they are not working ? Lay around and drink or smoke dope I guess. I don’t know, I’m just speculating. Since I don’t smoke….. I reckon I decided to pickle my liver a bit. Well….. it’s been a while since I drank anything the last time…. So I reckon I’m “sautéing” my liver instead of just pickling it.

I’m sitting at the picnic table at the end of the driveway, and enjoying a couple beers and a bag of Scoops and jar of salsa. The chickens decided they wanted to join me. Yeah — whatever you yardbirds. I don’t care. Greedy little yardbirds tried to bum rush my bag of Scoops chips, and in the process they kicked over a freshly poured beer. I didn’t even get to take a sip and they flocked around on top of the table and kicked it over. Spilled the entire mug. That’s alcohol abuse. Wasted a whole beer.

I chased the chickens off by punting one of them like a football, but they didn’t go far. Greedy egg laying vultures are still hanging around eyeballing my bag of chips and my remaining beers. The neighbors wife is out here now laughing her butt off and saying she’s never seen anybody fist fighting a flock of chickens before. She thinks it’s funny seeing me flailing around at the chickens and not being able to actually hit one. I reckon they’re fairly adroit at avoiding my wild swings at them. But I might have the last laugh if I go in the house and snatch up my 10 gauge double. Let’s see if they can dodge a 2 ounce load of #7 pellets — times 2 — and put your chip thieving feathered butt in my crock pot.